This is probably up there with the route to a man’s heart is being provided with good food and lots of sex. I find that a really sexist notion, mainly because it implies that we’re nothing more than a knuckle dragging ape. We’re more than that, and I’m sure that every man can agree with this. We’re complex creatures; far more difficult to understand than some of the common myths will tell you.
Would you believe that I used to buy into these myths? Yeah, I used to think that if you fed and fucked me then all would be well; you would be riding on the relationship success waves with me. Turns out I was deeply wrong, especially when my first ever relationship with a woman was around the time I began to look deep inside myself.
There’s a lot more to me than meets the eye. For instance there are times in the bedroom when I can’t perform. This used to be a BIG thing for me until my wife stopped me from worrying about it. There was a deep burning desire in me to finish the act, and to be a “man.” I often wonder if this was nurtured into me; boys and girls often joked between each other in High School about shooting blanks, and not being able to get it up; this can leave a lasting impression on a young man as he ages. I guess it all depends on the relationship you are in and how communicative your partner is. My wife will just roll over and say, “never-mind, next time then.”
Is my case isolated? I wonder, because we never talk about men’s failure to perform sex. There can be many inhibitors for example; depression, mental health, stress, workplace stress, and many other factors. When I was clinically depressed the last thing I was focused on was having sex, or getting myself off. I think I’ve been at least two or three months without sex or masturbation in the past because of a mixture of stress, depression and anxiety at work. Yet we never think of men this way, and as I think of other men in the same situation as me I can’t help but think of them as weak and unworthy. A mindset I need to rid myself of.
It was commonly thought as a young man that I was gay; homosexual because I had no sexual partners despite being offered it on a plate many times. Maybe I’ll write about this in the future but it wasn’t because my sexuality was in the closet, it was because I was far too shy to make a move. In my life and my parental home relationships always came to and end, and I wanted something that lasted, so getting me past the fear of hooking up with anyone was incredibly hard. But that aside, that didn’t stop anyone from thinking I was a homosexual. My friends had even asked it a few times. In fact, when I visited America a lady went right out and asked me just that.
It’s a common myth that men only want sex, and if they refuse it on a platter than they must not like women. Whereas there could be many, many reasons. My main reason was that I was too shy. Get too close to me and I back away running for the hills. This was my mantra, as I said my home life wasn’t the most prosperous for forming healthy sexual attitudes. Yet what about all these other men that sleep around but won’t touch you? Yeah, it could be that he’s not attracted to you, or even he doesn’t see you as that “type” of girl. The idea that men will sleep with anything is as preposterous as all women like being in the kitchen. It’s an outdated type of language.
A great deal of men, perhaps more than you think aren’t the player types. They don’t grab women, sleep with them and then dump them. Some women form this idea because the only type of men that approach them are the one percent of men that are comfortable doing this and have done it a million times before; the other good men are lurking in the shadows wondering whether or not it’s the right moment so he doesn’t come across as a total weirdo, and mostly his does through his anxiousness of not being interpreted as a total weirdo.
With most men there needs to be a certain level of attraction before they will even want to take it further. They won’t just stick their willy into anything per se. That’s not to say there aren’t men out there that will do that, because they exist, and it greater numbers that is perceived, but the regular happy men out there that try to make good choices, and do good by themselves and those around them then won’t be settling for just anything. That’s for sure.
We need to be more open about these things, us guys do, and stop painting each other in an incorrect light. I’ve had to curtail myself at making jokes about my friends sexuality recently as I’ve caught myself doing it. One of my friends was a target for me to tell him that he shoots duds; meaning that his sperm can’t have children, and even although he dismissed it as a joke and fired back something as equally as slanderous to me, I often wonder what damage that does on a man’s sexual health and mentality. A joke yes, but if you joke enough then it starts to take its toll. I said a few paragraphs earlier that my boyish joking around has led me into negative thinking about certain sexual attitudes.
Sex is something us men rarely talk to each other about. I think the closest discussion I’ve had to a sexual discussion with my friends is which one of us got laid tonight. Is it going against our biology to talk with other men about this? I’m not too sure. Personally, I think our sexual closedness was something we were brought up with. I don’t know about you but my Dad was never open to talking about anything of the sort with me, and neither was my mum — but I think talking about it with mum would have been just weird.
And I close with this thought — handing sex to me on a platter as a way to entice me into a relationship isn’t a good move. I know it’s a commonly believed value, but I err on the side of caution. Whilst I’m not moved by this personally, as most of the friends I know aren’t, but if I was to be handed sex on a silver platter, without any wooing, and all I needed to do was accept, then I wouldn’t be able to build the respect for you that’s commonly built during the dating phase. I’m not saying it’s wrong to have sex straight away, that’s your choice, but if you’re looking for a man that is serious about you and respects you; then sex straight away and easily probably isn’t the best option!