Men are all the same. It’s a phrase I hear quite often from women that have just had a nasty breakup, been screwed over by the man they were dating, or just basically believe that men are all the same. Usually this phrase has negative connotations attached to it; you’ll realistically never see it attached to anything positive. I disagree with it of course. I disagree with it entirely because men are a variety of different shapes, sizes, personalities, and personas. Why would you even suggest something like that?
Men are all the same? Let’s switch that up a bit
If I said women are all the same would it sound crazy? It probably would because you know yourself that women come in all sorts of different shapes, sizes, personalities, and personas. I have a wide variety of women friends for instance. Why would saying that men are all the same carry more weight than the latter? I’ll be honest; it’s something that I heard my Mum say quite a lot in my youth and mainly because she didn’t meet the right kind of man at that time.
But let’s be real here. If you keep meeting the same type of man over and over again does it mean that men are all the same way that you perceive? Because there are roughly three billion men in this world, and I swear to you that it would be a tough old world if men are all the same to your low expectations. No, I think it’s because you are attracting the wrong type of man in your life. I’m not judging, we’ve all been there. When I first started properly dating all I met were Narcissistic women.
How I always met Narcissistic women
I had a lifestyle that wasn’t the best. I came from a broken home and my career was built upon failure after failure. It came to a point where I didn’t think that I had amounted to much, and I didn’t expect too much from the fruits of the dating tree. I only wanted to find someone that loved me as much as I loved her, and boy was I not picky about who I latched myself onto. I didn’t like myself at all and it showed if you asked me enough questions about my life. I learned later on in life that having standards was a good way to start loving myself for who I was. If I didn’t have dating standards then it meant I was willing to allow anyone into my life to wreak havoc in it. Sometimes I wonder if this was what I subconsciously desired. The subconsciously programmed routines we get from childhood.
I came from a fatherless home. My Dad wasn’t around. My Mum spent most of her life shit talking my dad and telling me that men are all the same whilst simultaneously screaming at me, “You’re just like your Dad” when she was angry. My Mum had several failed relationships as I grew up in the family home; one of them even died. I became the poster child for nice guyery; not that I tried to get anywhere close to the women I liked of course, because I liked the safety of distance from what I remember. If someone got too close then I ran like the wind. Far, far away. Home life had taught me relationships were doomed to end. They hurt, and badly.
But alas, being a slender, boyishly good looking 21 year old there were always going to be one or two women that slipped their way past my safety defences. There were always going to be those that knew how to play me like a fiddle in such a way that they knew how to make me fall for them hook line and sinker. But these people were never interested in me as a person, no. These people were more interested in what they were going to get out of me rather than what they could give to me. I have been used, abused, and spat out many times in my youth because I didn’t have the necessary boundaries to control what was happening in my life. I was young, naive, and lacked the proper guidance around these matters.
I took a break from women
Thus began my several year hiatus. I spent two years alone, on my own, distrusting women completely. In the same fashion that women say men are all the same, I would say all women are the same. I didn’t trust them one bit because all women wanted the same from me. They all wanted something from me; be that my abundant empathy, or getting physical with me and then waving bye bye. It was always something. If you had asked me when I was 26 years old if women were trustworthy I would have angrily said, “no, they all want the damn same. Women AND men are all the same” — I might touch on that last sentence after a few posts.
But in those two years alone I transformed myself tremendously. I had absolutely no-one to distract me and I was essentially living as a hermit. I had ample time to sit and reflect on myself as a person. I was also getting help from work in the form of counselling and psychotherapy which encouraged me to look deep within myself. I began to assess the damaging behaviours that were leading me to meet these types of people. I began learning that my childhood, parents, and social influences played a big part in who I was meeting and who I wasn’t. My childhood home, the place that I was nurtured into being the person that I was; I broke it down to a fine art and built myself back up from the beginning. The best part after a two year hiatus from dating and socialising? A clean slate. I was a new man.
The trickiest part of my journey was annexing my life from old friends and negative worn out behaviours. When I resurfaced everyone wanted to know me again, and it’s often hard to stay true to myself when placed with old social circles no matter how far I had progressed. I remember slotting right back into the pecking order from where I left off. The easiest part of the whole cycle was that my old friends and acquaintances seemed to slip away eventually. We no longer shared common interests or goals. Our views, beliefs and values didn’t align anymore. So in essence it was hard, yet much easier than I expected to fade to black.
Life is but a mindset
The most surprising thing was the empowering people I began to meet and make friends with as I was continually transforming myself into something different. These people were continually transforming and regrouping too. It made a huge change from the old friends circle that seemed to remain stationary. I was thrust forth into a new world that I hadn’t imagined existed. I went from there through my career choices and job promotions completely out of the council estate and into better and more respected areas.
Then I met my wife. She was the first woman that I was interested in that felt different. She asked me honest questions about myself. She wanted to get to know me as a person, and seemed really damn interested in what I had to say. Having a relationship with my wife opened my eyes further into people and a society I hadn’t thought existed. People that consume books by the bucket-load, people that have as much empathy as me and want to do good with it, and just generally decent people. I’m still learning by the way, and I’m continuing to meet amazing and diverse people. This is why I doubt men are all the same.
So you see where I’m going with this, right? If you can’t then I’ll tell you. When you say that men are all the same then what you are really saying is that, “I need to do a little work on myself so that I can meet and attract better men.” Blaming men isn’t going to help you at all. I’ve always said that blaming never achieves anything, it just keeps you roped up in the cycle of blaming but never allows you to put any solutions into practise. So why move the world when you can move for the world right? You don’t move a mountain to fly a plane on it’s current trajectory, you adjust the trajectory of the plane to fly over the mountain.