Why are men emotionally unavailable? It’s a common question so don’t feel bad asking it. Some people have the misfortune of landing men like this, that he might be incapable of handing his heart to you on a platter. Luckily for you I have the insight as to what may be going through his head and a few tips and guidelines on how to crack his thoughts open like a raw eggshell. Okay? Let’s go! We’ll start off with the causation of emotional unavailability, and then we’ll delve into some tips and guides on how to help with his emotionally unavailable tendencies.
He Just may not be feeling it.
Firstly, he may just not be interested in you. I know that sometimes this is hard understand as we pine over someone and wish they were ours to keep forever, but there’s going to have to be some point where you just accept defeat and move on to the next adventure. Contrary to popular belief, men don’t just want sex, and no amount of offering yourself on a silver platter for him will make you seem any more attractive to him than you already are. If he isn’t interested then he just isn’t.
Some childhood trauma perhaps?
I say this because I experienced serious trauma as a young boy. My father would beat me, and my parents split when I was five. The net result of that whole experience was that I would keep my feelings as close to myself as possible, thus my lifelong journey into being emotionally unavailable. It just wasn’t worth getting hurt over and over again as I did regularly as a kid. Men that experience trauma in their childhoods are more likely to be very guarded about their feelings and emotions when it comes to relationships. Traumatic childhoods often lead to men with guarded feelings, and I wonder occasionally if those of us born pre 1990’s had a completely different experience as to what modern children have today. It was normal for us to get a thick ear from a random stranger for being naughty, yet now that sort of behaviour is frowned upon. I often wonder!
You need to watch out for this
I’ve been around actual Narcissists for most of my life. No, not when you fall out with your significant other and vengefully call them a Narc; I’m speaking genuine, bonafide, fuck your shit up, NPDs (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Most of what I’ve witnessed from these types of people is behaviour you probably wouldn’t believe unless you witnessed it yourself. There is a positive to come out of all this though, and that is I can spot one a mile away. Genuine Narcissists will love bomb you. They will elevate you so high up that you’ll imagine being on cloud nine for a while. You’ll not notice that they are using your own likes against you, you’ll rarely notice that everything so far has been all about you, and nothing about them. The Narcissists illusion is that they are so damn petrified that you’ll see them for what they actually are they will literally shine light on your faults to minimise their own. Narcissists are always emotionally unavailable, but they will trick you into thinking they are not. Watch out!
Why are men emotionally unavailable? – Have you tried asking him anything?
As a rule, men aren’t generally forthcoming unless you are. This is generally self defeating if you are shy and he is emotionally unavailable. That’s a recipe for disaster. Sometimes people won’t open up unless you ask them to open up. People like me, for instance, that take almost everything literally; I have to be prompted into action at times, and I will never open up unless I’m prompted. I just see no need for it at present. Sometimes you have to be brave and make that first step. Not everything is served to you on a silver platter!
Great tips Raymond. So? Now that I know what I have, then what do I do?
Well, you have a choice now. You can understand that not all men are emotionally unavailable and go out and find someone that has no problems with their emotions and opening up to you, or, you can stay and work at it. I’m not here to make choices for anyone, that’s your job, not mine! Both alternatives have positives and negatives associated with them but I’ll let you figure that out!
Here’s how you can help him be less emotionally unavailable
Start being emotionally available with him
We often forget that when we want something from another person our biggest tool in our arsenal is sharing. As my wife and I were delving deeper into our relationship she would share her stories with me; she would share her stories of hurt, of failure, but also her dreams and successes — that way she encouraged me to open up too. Quite a simple method yet very, very powerful psychologically. It doesn’t have to be awkward either, it could just be worked into conversation, like a topic you are talking about together may spark off the memory in your mind. Share it with your partner. It’ll no doubt spark off some memories in their mind.
Stop talking, start listening
I always laugh when I see articles about how men should listen better. The truth of the matter is that we all, as a human race, should start to listen better. Sometimes a man can be emotionally unavailable because he thinks you’re not going to listen to him. Sometimes we feel that all you do is talk, and all he does is try to listen, but you do it so much he’s switched off now. Sometimes it’s just good to sit back and hear what he has to say. You may not like what he has to say, and you can talk to him later about it, but for the moment just put your ears back and take in what he’s saying. Sometimes we’re too busy being frustrated about what our partner isn’t doing that we forget to listen to them and hear them about our own misgivings. Men will close up if you don’t listen.
If there is no trust then there is no relationship. Trust an emotional availability walk hand in hand. There’s a few things that you will probably need you to ask yourself. Are you the type of person that if you dated you would be able to trust with your deepest, darkest secrets? Are you the type of person you could trust not to go into an epic fuck-rage when something needs to be sorted out? That you both can work together to achieve common goals? Would you trust YOU? If that’s a no then think of the person you could hold trust in, and then become that person. You have control over your own life. Think of every quality you would want in an epicly trustworthy person and then become that person.
Force the issue perhaps?
I remember laying in bed one morning at the beginning of our relationship and my wife was worried that I wasn’t telling her the full story, that there were things about me that just hadn’t been shared yet. She was worried there was nothing to me, that I was one of the NPD’s that was love bombing her and I had secretly sneaked past her catch-net. She told me that she was worried; she had told me everything there was to know about her, but she felt as if I was holding back, and she was worried for our future. Okay, she didn’t say she’d leave me, but the worry was enough to delve into and tell to her my deepest darkest secrets. Sometimes you just need to be outright honest, you know? “I’m scared that I’m not getting the full you” for me, it worked a charm.
If all else fails, stop wondering if only, and move on.
We can often get trapped in unhappy relationships because we hang onto the image of what we would like our partners to be, but are left with what they actually are. Some people will not change. If they aren’t interested in changing themselves then there is no way they will manage to keep up trying to change for you. Sometimes it’s wiser to throw in the towel and move on with your life. Stop wondering “If only he was emotionally available” and go and get someone that actually is available emotionally.
Also published on Medium.