The Media Bustle: Why are men scared of commitment
Men are like big kids when you think of it.
If you’re questioning why are men scared of commitment then popular opinion would assume that men have difficulty committing because we exist more in our inner child than women do. This is why you see men swinging their youth around without a care in the world; their children, squealing with laughter whilst Mummy looks on in nervous angst. Yes, this is the way we are. This is the way we were forged from the beginning of time; to be the climbing frame, the well-trodden piggy backer. The person that will more than likely jump out at you and scream “Boo!” as you try to get on with the daily grind.
I have fond memories of singledom; not that I miss it in the slightest but I look back with rose tinted glasses at the freedom I used to have. That I could just walk in from work and slump down in my chair and not move for the rest of the night. That I could call out for Pizza and know that I won’t be breaking my bank account because there are no children needing enter x need here. That I could switch on my PC and play games all night without a worry in the world. Singledom was awesome at times, but I’m old enough and wise enough to know that it didn’t come without its major problems. I’m glad I’m Married now. This is probably how I can answer the question why are men scared of commitment, because I have the lived experience to tell my story.
We’re just big lazy children, honestly!
You may look at that last paragraph and think of me as a lazy big child, and that’s essentially what I was. I’m betting that’s what most men of my era are. My friends, my acquaintances, when we were single, we didn’t do many things that we didn’t like to do. That was only reserved for work, because we get paid for doing things we didn’t like to do. We didn’t do many things because we had no-one else with us; a relationship takes two people, and with two people there’s always a substantial level of give and take.
This is what you have to contend with ladies. You’re essentially coming between men and their freedom to be children forever, and for some, this isn’t a bad option. Why are men scared of commitment? It’s so much deeper than that. So much more.
My story: Why I, as a man, was afraid of commitment
I was ready to commit, though! You would think it too because I said all the right things, made all the right moves, and even love had been mentioned a good few times. I had been looking for someone to commit to all my damn life and had the battle scars to prove it. In my desperate need to find a lady to love I found myself being used and abused by others; but that’s a story for another day.
It all went down when I met a lovely lady who wasn’t moved by words, but by actions. She had read all the books on men, women, love, why are women from venus and why are men scared of commitment. She was an intelligent lady. She fell fast for my boyish good looks, my naivety, and always willing to please. She knew that I had propped her up on a pedestal so high up in the sky I could barely reach her in moral standing, intelligence, and beauty, but she was fine with that. She trusted herself, as did I.
For the first time ever I felt safe in her presence; I had never felt that feeling before. Usually I felt threatened in some way, which I later discovered it was other people’s uncomfortableness around me and not the other way around. Safe she may have been but quick to call me out in my bullshit she was. She knew I couldn’t just say these things, I had to show them too.
And no, it wasn’t about giving her big bouquets of expensive flowers and hard to get exotic chocolates because I tried that one too, many times. No, it was more about showing her that when I say something I follow through with the action, otherwise it’s just words, right?
The down low: Why are men scared of commitment? For real
This is where I went head first into a crash course on understanding commitment. It wasn’t just about being present around her, it was about being emotionally and spiritually attached to her too. It was about staying up all night after a steaming hot sex session and discussing the stars, Shakespeare, poetry, religion, politics, my worst fears, my greatest hopes. It was so, so, so much more. That scared the absolute shite out of me in the beginning. Mainly because I hadn’t let anyone in, ever. Not even my own mother. She had tendencies to judge me harshly so I stopped being open and honest with her completely.
Have you ever heard that men need to talk? I bet you have. And the buck starts with you. How will you expect him to open up to you if all he hears is criticisms and judgements? I’m not saying this IS you, but if you want a man to be able to fully commit to you then you need to be responsive to him too in the same way that you expect him to listen to you. Tired of telling him to get the fuck off the PlayStation and give you some attention? Maybe sit down and just listen. Don’t talk, just listen to what he has to say now and again, even if it sucks what he has to say. You just watch his attitude change towards opening up to you. I’m not saying be a doormat here. Just listen to him now and again.
We often forget to just listen (I’m guilty of this too!) when all we seem to be doing is talking at people.
This is what Natalie helped me with. When I talked, she listened. She made no judgements, and no criticisms either, she just made mental notes for further discussion if she needed to. We’ve talked many times over the course of our togetherness. Each time solidifying our unity further in diamond. That’s not to say we don’t have our fallout’s and bust ups; we do, but when I need it, she listens.
People open up to me these days. I get told deepest, darkest secrets, and also aspiring dreams. You know why? Because I’m safe. I’ve learned that judging others is bad form; trying to understand others is a far better route to enlightenment. You can’t judge others harshly if you understand the situation from a deeper perspective. I learned this from some of the most empowering people I have ever met. I listened to, and copied them.
We need to trust each other. More now than ever.
So, in short, if you listen to popular opinion then you’ll think that men don’t want to commit because we want to be playing golf, and riding around in our fast cars all day. Whilst that’s true for some, I doubt that’s the case of the majority. I’ve spoken to a lot of men, and most have admitted they just want someone to love and be loved in the same fashion back. We realistically want to pour our souls out to you; we want to cut our heart out and give it to you for safekeeping, but if you don’t provide emotional safety, then we run like the wind!
But too few know safety these days. Too few understand how to listen properly. Not many understand how to act honestly. These are my foundations for a healthy committed relationship. Trust, Honesty, and Safety, from both people. It may sound weak to some thinking that a man needs safety, and yet he definitely does. Even more so in this day in age. A man needs emotional safety; a place where he can pour his heart and soul over his partner knowing that she will keep it under lock and key for him. He will have her physical safety handled, whilst she keeps his emotional safety in tact.
This. This is why men are afraid to commit. Either his secrets and heart are kept under lock and key pathologically as mine were, or you haven’t given him the necessary space to deliver his heart and soul to you for safekeeping (metaphorically of course).